We ended up coming back to my house in
Florida down there it was New Year's
Eve we all went over to Grandpa's house
Watch his balls drop and, uh and, uh
(laughs) That's comedy right there
My grandma's a hypochondriac she
Getting lip cancer from secondhand chew
So, uh we was all over at
The house out there and, uh, we was looking
Through some scrapbooks and stuff i found out
That I was a C-section baby, and
I didn't know that and, uh, it
Was really cool found out, uh
Section C of a Waylon Jennings concert a
Long time ago it was real nice
I always likеd to hunt i always liked doing
That i got in trouble in Montana
I shot an elk and I was at the Elk's
Lodge, that was the problem there, but but
I got a bunch- I got three sisters my
One sister, big ol' sister and, uh
She's always a hypochondriac she
Always she's got cancer or tumors
Or whatever we was sitting on the couch the
She'd go like this all the time
End like this it's irritating me i'm like
'What are you doing digging in
Your hind end?' She's like
'There's a tumor up there' 'You ain't
In there look up in there
See if you see something up in-'
'I ain't looking in your ass
For a tumor on a Sunday, for God's sake go
To the doctor' She went to the doctor
Spent $340 you know what it was?
That? She sat on it watching
Walker Texas Ranger forgot all
About it she goes, 'I better
Go to the doctor, get a complete
Physical' I go, 'You need to get
The couch cushions cleaned out
You pull up dinner in your crack'
My other sister was there she's another
Big ol' girl my whole family's
Big, and we was at the mall
Shopping she's like 290 pounds
She's looking at wicker chairs
'What do you think of that wicker chair?'
I go, 'I think if you sit in it
We're gonna have a lot of toothpicks around
The house next week that's that's what I
Think you don't need no wicker
Damn chair good Lord go sit on
A frontend loader or something
But, you know what, I love her to
Death she's trying to lose weight though
Is 'cause Domino's called yesterday
Worried about her they ain't
Heard from her in a couple of weeks
So they know there's something going on
Ol' Moley, my sister Ol' Moley
She, uh yeah, for those of
You who don't know, quick rundown: I had a
Then we called her Holy Moley 'cause she got
Saved, then she married a Mexican feller
Then we called her Guacamole
You know that story on her but she just had
Uh she was in labor for 38 hours you be-
I give up on a poop after
20 minutes, alright? 38 hours
We go, 'We're gonna name that
That's what we're gonna name
It!' She heard that, she laughed so hard
Milk shot out of her nipples
I tell you jesus she's a good girl!
My brother was over at the house
Too my brother's probably the biggest
Redneck in my family at his
House, teeth are considered 'bling'
Pathetic he's 38 years old, single and
Bowls every weekend he's like, 'Why don't
You come over and help me name
My bowling team?' I'm like
'Alright i got a name right now how about
The ICan't-Get-Laid-on-a Weekend-Either's?
Ain't a good bowler either i went to
Watch him and I caught a ball
Yeah, I was up at the church the other
Day we was up at the church
My dad was a preacher so I'm pretty
Schooled at that my dad was good
He'd talk your ear off too my dad's
The only feller to make a Jehovah's
Witness go, 'Look, man, we got to be
Getting the hell out of here
' alright? It's ridiculous
